Mari Sánchez Cayuso

Tag: cats

  • Groundhog Day

    As I’m writing this
    I’m looking at both of them
    and they are completely passed out

    Not asleep

    Passed out

    Like they worked a double shift
    paid a mortgage
    argued with the electric company
    stood in line at the bank
    and came home with lower back pain

    People say cats sleep all day
    and then become active at night

    No

    Not these two

    These two sleep in the morning
    sleep in the afternoon
    sleep at night
    wake up slightly offended
    walk a few feet
    eat
    use the litter box
    fight
    and go right back to sleep

    That is their whole schedule

    I really think they sleep twenty hours
    and the other four
    are just basic survival
    and unnecessary violence

    They are senior cats now
    so everything they do
    feels slower
    smaller
    but somehow still very serious

    The bowl
    The water
    The blanket
    The window

    The same spot
    where the sun comes in
    like it owns the place
    and still owes them rent

    They return to it every day
    like old people
    going to the same café
    because why change now

    And then—of course
    there is the full moon

    I don’t always know
    there is a full moon

    Sometimes I come home
    and know before
    I even look outside

    There are clumps of hair
    on the floor

    Not a little shedding

    Clumps

    A substantial amount

    Light hair
    Dark hair

    Enough to know
    their violence is real

    Enough to know
    who won

    Usually the girl

    My son’s cat
    The daughter

    The other one is her father
    which makes the whole thing
    even more ridiculous

    A father-daughter duo
    with the most dysfunctional relationship
    in the house

    He loses most of the time

    She does not care for him

    Not even a little

    She has been sick of him
    for years

    And still

    There they are

    Sleeping near each other
    Eating near each other
    Fighting under the moon
    like they have some contract
    none of us were allowed to read

    People give cats a bad name
    but cats are incredible companions

    They really are

    They don’t make a production out of love

    They don’t need to be praised
    for staying

    They just stay

    They choose the room you are in
    They learn your footsteps
    They know when you come home

    They sit close enough
    to keep you company
    and far enough
    to pretend it was their idea

    And honestly
    I understand that

    The older I get
    the more I understand
    living in intervals

    Wake up
    Drink water
    Move around
    Try to eat
    Rest
    Survive the weather
    Survive the moon
    Start again

    Some days
    that is the whole thing

    Not a breakthrough
    Not a revelation

    Just the body
    doing what it knows
    while the heart catches up

    So I look at them now
    both completely gone to the world
    like life has asked too much
    and they are done answering

    And I love them

    Their old bones
    Their terrible attitudes
    Their little wars
    Their strange loyalty

    The way they return
    to the same places
    again and again

    as if peace
    is not somewhere else

    As if the house
    even quiet
    even changed
    even under a full moon

    is still worth circling

    Still worth sleeping in

    Still worth waking for

  • I stay

    you walk past me
    like you’re still carrying the outside in with you

    the door closes
    but it doesn’t take it with it

    keys fall
    bag falls
    your hands don’t

    they reach for paper
    like it won’t ask you anything back

    you don’t look at me
    not yet

    and I want to tell you

    it can wait

    you can sit first
    you can breathe

    but I don’t have that kind of voice

    so I stay quiet

    like always

    you work fast
    too fast

    like something is right behind you
    breathing
    calling your name
    in a voice you don’t answer

    I hear it

    I wish you could hear it
    the way I do

    but I can’t give it to you

    I can only watch
    as your hands press harder

    like pressure might fix it

    I have seen you in other lives

    same body
    different light

    this home has seen it too

    birthdays
    graduations
    deaths

    walls holding sound
    long after it leaves

    your sons became men

    one by one
    they walked out of these rooms

    carrying pieces of you with them

    the doors closed softer each time

    and the house learned
    how to be quiet

    you used to turn toward it

    now you turn inward

    and I

    I remember everything
    you don’t say out loud

    you move like a held breath

    like if you stop
    everything will rise at once

    I want to tell you
    it’s already there

    it’s not waiting

    but I am not made for words

    so I sit

    and breathe slow
    for both of us

    you go somewhere

    I know the place

    your body stays
    but you leave it

    your eyes change

    the room feels it

    I go with you

    I always go with you

    because I can

    because you don’t know how to stay there alone

    you give things up early

    like you’re afraid
    of what might stay

    I want to tell you

    not everything that stays
    hurts

    not everything that grows
    will take from you

    but I don’t have language

    only presence

    only this small body
    that follows you
    without question

    there are others

    I know them too

    the ones you don’t speak about but carry anyway

    I feel them
    in the way your breathing breaks
    in the way your hands hesitate
    over nothing

    I sit with you there

    I wish I could say
    their names with you

    I wish I could tell you
    they are still soft inside you

    but I can’t

    so I stay

    there are nights
    you are not here

    even when you are

    you sit in front of me
    but you are somewhere deeper

    and I want to call you back

    I want to say
    come here
    stay here
    with me

    but all I can do

    is walk closer

    sit beside you

    wait

    and then

    you come find me

    not because I called you

    but because something in you
    remembers

    my stillness
    my quiet
    my staying

    your hand reaches

    your body softens

    your breath returns

    and I feel it

    that moment
    when you come back into yourself

    I would tell you
    you don’t have to leave like that

    I would tell you
    you are safe here

    I would tell you
    you are still whole
    even when you feel like you are not

    but I was not made
    for your language

    so I stay

    where you can find me

    every time you forget
    where you are

    So I stay

  • Constancy

    I pause the day to hold you

    Your small body

    That has never known excess

    Only devotion

    Ten years of the same quiet loyalty

    Of returning to me

    Without question

    Without distance

    You have so little to give

    A small voice

    A fragile frame

    A life that asks for almost nothing

    And still

    You love me

    With something that feels immense

    It humbles me

    The way you choose me again

    And again

    As if I have always been enough

    I hold you

    Not because you need me

    But because

    I need to remember

    How love can be this simple

    This faithful

    This complete

    •

    Happy 10th

    Sweet boy, of mine