Mari Sánchez Cayuso

It’s Me Again

Written by

Mari Sánchez Cayuso

in

I wasn’t planning on writing tonight.

But I have learned not to trust that sentence.

In 2011, I gave my thoughts a room and called it a blog.

God.

That feels strange to say out loud.

Back then, metaphor found me when my mind was losing its grip. I decorated grief. Not because I was brave. Because I didn’t know what else to do with it. I made it beautiful so I could survive looking at it.

There were times I felt like I had imagined my entire existence. Not metaphorically. Literally. Like my life had become something I dreamed and forgot waking up.

So I went looking for myself.

Photographs. Drawers. Memories.

Anything that could prove I was here.

This happened.

I happened.

Then my father died and something happened to language. Not all at once. More like a room growing quiet until one day you realize the conversation is gone.

So I retired this blog as if it had never existed. As if words could be cremated too.

Years passed.

Life happened.

The kind of life that sounds impossible when you place it all inside one sentence.

And now here I am posting so much it is almost comical. Rapid-fire confessions from a woman who keeps insisting she wasn’t going to write today.

The truth is, I don’t like to say I’m a writer. Because I’m not.

I am just a woman trying to understand why an ordinary thing can suddenly split open and reveal an entire lifetime.

Because I don’t really write about what I’m writing about.

The thing is never the thing.

A refrigerator is not a refrigerator. A sunset is not a sunset. A silence is never just silence.

Everything opens. Everything has a second mouth.

And some feelings arrive so hungry they refuse to leave until they are fed.

So I leave them here. Not because they are beautiful. Not because they are finished. Because I am tired of being the only place they exist.

And maybe that is all this blog ever was.

Not a stage.

Not proof.

A room.

A small room inside the noise.

Somewhere my thoughts could sit down before I had to become a person again.

Comments

13 responses to “It’s Me Again”

  1. Isha Avatar
    Isha

    This is so raw, honest and beautiful at the same time. I agree with everything that you wrote. I believe no person but an artist is the one who can be so vulnerable. Hugs🫂. Glad I found this. Gonna read all as soon as I get time🌸

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Mari Sánchez Cayuso Avatar
      Mari Sánchez Cayuso

      Thank you so much.

      I don’t know that I think of myself as an artist, but I do know that I’ve spent most of my life trying to make sense of things through words. Sometimes that means being more vulnerable than I intended to be.

      I think there is something beautiful that happens when we’re honest about the parts of ourselves we’d usually keep hidden. We realize we’re not nearly as alone as we thought we were.

      I’m grateful you found your way here, and even more grateful that something in these words resonated with you.

      Take your time. The stories will be here when you come back. 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. Ernie 'Dawg' Avatar
    Ernie ‘Dawg’

    First, thanks for following my blog. I came over to see what this place was about and after found this post very heartfelt. I’d say you are a writer and if not someone whose life experiences are worth reading about. I am following you now too, thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Mari Sánchez Cayuso Avatar
      Mari Sánchez Cayuso

      Ernie, Thank you, truly.

      I think that’s a distinction I’ve been more comfortable with—that perhaps my life experiences are worth writing about, even if I’ve spent years resisting the title of writer.

      This little corner of the internet started as a place to leave my thoughts somewhere safe. I never expected so many people would recognize pieces of their own lives in them.

      I’m grateful you stopped by, grateful you read, and even more grateful that you found something here worth following.

      Welcome. I’m glad you’re here.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      1. Ernie 'Dawg' Avatar
        Ernie ‘Dawg’

        Thanks Mari, I started my blog to leave reminders to my children of who and what I was, it became a place to express my engries and thoughts. I think you are in a great place to be seen and heard. Looking forard to more enjoyable posts.

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        Reply
  3. Jared Harding Wilson Avatar
    Jared Harding Wilson

    I’m glad you allowed the writing to happen last night! The way you painted the experience. The feelings? Of the room going silent conversation; stopping after your father passed away…That is what I experienced when my brother passed away in 2012. I’m still trying to put words to that time. Thanks for writing. ✍️

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Mari Sánchez Cayuso Avatar
      Mari Sánchez Cayuso

      Thank you for this. I’m so sorry about your brother.

      That silence after someone dies is its own kind of language, isn’t it? The room changes. Conversations stop midair. Even time feels different.

      I think some losses take years before we can even begin to name them. I’m grateful the piece gave you somewhere to place a little of that memory. That means more to me than you know.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Jared Harding Wilson Avatar
        Jared Harding Wilson

        Writing ✍️ has helped to try and understand. I wrote about my brother and his suicide in a previous post, during suicide prevention month…it took time and was hard to do. I miss him and some part of me sometimes thinks he’s still alive and I can just call him, and then i remember. I have faith that his spirit is alive and that I’ll see him again someday, and I also keep him alive in my heart. And you’re so right, it has taken years to better understand.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  4. simonashcroft - poet & photos Avatar
    simonashcroft – poet & photos

    So, you are not a writer? That is in the same category as saying you didn’t intend writing today… You use words to create images, metaphors of experiences, feelings. You are a writer, and gloriously visceral.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Mari Sánchez Cayuso Avatar
      Mari Sánchez Cayuso

      That is incredibly kind of you.

      I think I’ve always resisted calling myself a writer because, to me, writers felt like people who sat down with intention. I never do. Most days I’m simply trying to understand something that refuses to leave me alone.

      The writing is usually the byproduct.

      But perhaps you’re right. Perhaps there comes a point where we have to stop arguing with what we are.

      Thank you for seeing something in my words that I’ve had a harder time seeing in myself.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      1. simonashcroft - poet & photos Avatar
        simonashcroft – poet & photos

        You are very welcome. Writing, in particular poetry, tends to be somewhat cathartic, I find, and arrives when it will, intention or not. I feel that in yours.

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  5. Richie Kennedy Avatar
    Richie Kennedy

    You are indeed a great writer, and it seems you write a biography filled with so much creativity. Keep it up. Your work is inspiring…

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Mari Sánchez Cayuso Avatar
      Mari Sánchez Cayuso

      Thank you. These aren’t chapters of my life as much as conversations with it. Knowing they resonate with you is a gift. Thank you for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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