Stayed Behind

I know he is not my forever

It took me until tonight
to understand that

And strangely

it was not grief I felt

It was peace

Maybe because
I have been preparing
for this
my entire life

First a country

I left it once
and it never stopped
leaving me

Then my father

I thought the earth
might have the decency
to pause for a moment

It didn’t

Then the years
when my sons
still reached for my hand

At some point
you understand

that loving something

and keeping it

are two entirely different miracles

The other day
I found one long
bright strand of my hair
resting against his shirt

I reached for it

He looked down
and softly said

be careful with that

I have carried those words
around ever since

Because for one impossible second

it seemed to me

that it was not the hair at all

It was some quiet part of myself

the daughter

the mother

the woman who survived
all those leavings

that had crossed the distance
between two people

and chosen

without asking me

to remain

I know he is not my forever

But I think tonight
I finally understood

that forever

was never the thing
I was looking for

I think

I only wanted proof

that after losing

a country

a father

and the years
when my sons
still reached for my hand

there was still
some living part of me

capable

of leaving itself

behind